Fuck you, and your little dog too

It's been one of those days. One of those days where I want to grab a shotgun and take down as many people as possible before the police take me down OR just swan dive off the nearest cliff.

I don't know what it is about today. First of all, I woke up unhappy. That's always a bad sign. And since the day has progessed, nothing has gone the way I wanted it to, people are pissing me off left and right(on the computer and at home), just everything.

It helps me to list things sometimes.

1.I suck at photography. REALLY suck. It finally hit me today. I don't know how I've been fooling myself into thinking that I was actually ok at it, but I'm not. I am seriously contemplating selling my camera. I mean, I could get plenty of great pictures on Auto without any skill on that camera, but just having it will be a constant reminder of something else I've failed at(surprise surprise). So my thought is that just getting rid of the fucking thing will solve that problem. It still makes me sad though.

2.I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE having eczema. I hate it. I feel ugly and freakish all the time, like people are always staring, and most of the time, it's not even that obvious, I'm just paranoid. What is really bothering me about it is the fact that I will never be able to enjoy playing with my children like other moms. I tried today, I really did. Travis, his parents, Maddox, and I went to the park today(this is where the photography FAIL hit me) and I could hardly stand it. You see, ANY kind of sweating makes me itch. It's probably 80-90 degrees out, so you can imagine that I was sweating my ass off. I don't know what it is, but sweating makes my skin go nuts. I don't even know if you can imagine the kind of itching I'm talking about. Maybe bad like chicken pox, if you've had it. All I know is that it's the kind of itching where I want to lay on a bed of sandpaper and roll around. So, back to my point. How will I ever be able to enjoy taking my kids outside and playing with them? I can't, unless they find a cure. It makes me sad because I want to be able to do thingss outside with them, but I can't when it's hot like this. I can't because I don't just itch while I'm sweating, I itch long after, and the itching causes me to have more rashes, which causes more itching, which cause more rashes and makes the current rashes worse. It's a vicious cycle. One more thing about the eczema, it makes me feel ugly. My face is always getting red, blotchy, dry, and peely. I can hardly ever wear makeup because that makes it worse, so I even get punished for trying to cover it up. This problem has worked wonders for my self-esteem.

3.I said this yesterday, but I'm repeating it because it is really bothering me. I am getting more and more paranoid. Of everyone and everything, and I don't know where it's coming from. I wonder if people say bad things about me, that they don't like me, that I'm being ignored, that people are only nice to my face(or computer screen, in some cases), just everything. That bothers the hell out of me. Not only am I normally a person who doesn't give a flying fuck what people think, it sucks to be that suspicious of people. But I am, and instead of going away, it gets worse. I feel like everything is a conspiracy against me, and I don't like it.

4.I am so lonely. All the time. I don't have friends. Well, in all honesty, I have a couple of "school friends", and one friend outside of school, but we never hang out. This is hard for me. I've never been a person to have many friends, but I have always had that one best friend, who was just like me, thought like me, and we did a lot together. Since I've moved here, I haven't had that. Obviously I have Travis, and believe me, I couldn't live without him, but it's not the same as that comraderie you have with a friend. I miss that, need that. I really feel(read: hope) that I do have friends here online, but it's not the same. I can only reach so far out to them when I'm in need. The lonliness is starting to wear me down. I'm also a big hypocrite here because when I start to make a friend, I back away. I am by nature hermit-like. I don't like to go out much, I don't want a social life. So then I shouldn't want friends right? I am a walking paradox.


I think I'm done whining now. It's not even everything that's bothering me, but I feel it is long enough without me adding to it. I don't doubt that no one has even made it this far. If you have, I'm sorry I wasn't funny or witty today. This was just my pathetic cry into cyberspace.