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I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS, I HATE IT. I WANT TO PUT HOLES IN THE WALL, SMASH FACES IN, HURT THINGS. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

And Cricket saves me........

Fuck you, and your little dog too

It's been one of those days. One of those days where I want to grab a shotgun and take down as many people as possible before the police take me down OR just swan dive off the nearest cliff.

I don't know what it is about today. First of all, I woke up unhappy. That's always a bad sign. And since the day has progessed, nothing has gone the way I wanted it to, people are pissing me off left and right(on the computer and at home), just everything.

It helps me to list things sometimes.

1.I suck at photography. REALLY suck. It finally hit me today. I don't know how I've been fooling myself into thinking that I was actually ok at it, but I'm not. I am seriously contemplating selling my camera. I mean, I could get plenty of great pictures on Auto without any skill on that camera, but just having it will be a constant reminder of something else I've failed at(surprise surprise). So my thought is that just getting rid of the fucking thing will solve that problem. It still makes me sad though.

2.I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE having eczema. I hate it. I feel ugly and freakish all the time, like people are always staring, and most of the time, it's not even that obvious, I'm just paranoid. What is really bothering me about it is the fact that I will never be able to enjoy playing with my children like other moms. I tried today, I really did. Travis, his parents, Maddox, and I went to the park today(this is where the photography FAIL hit me) and I could hardly stand it. You see, ANY kind of sweating makes me itch. It's probably 80-90 degrees out, so you can imagine that I was sweating my ass off. I don't know what it is, but sweating makes my skin go nuts. I don't even know if you can imagine the kind of itching I'm talking about. Maybe bad like chicken pox, if you've had it. All I know is that it's the kind of itching where I want to lay on a bed of sandpaper and roll around. So, back to my point. How will I ever be able to enjoy taking my kids outside and playing with them? I can't, unless they find a cure. It makes me sad because I want to be able to do thingss outside with them, but I can't when it's hot like this. I can't because I don't just itch while I'm sweating, I itch long after, and the itching causes me to have more rashes, which causes more itching, which cause more rashes and makes the current rashes worse. It's a vicious cycle. One more thing about the eczema, it makes me feel ugly. My face is always getting red, blotchy, dry, and peely. I can hardly ever wear makeup because that makes it worse, so I even get punished for trying to cover it up. This problem has worked wonders for my self-esteem.

3.I said this yesterday, but I'm repeating it because it is really bothering me. I am getting more and more paranoid. Of everyone and everything, and I don't know where it's coming from. I wonder if people say bad things about me, that they don't like me, that I'm being ignored, that people are only nice to my face(or computer screen, in some cases), just everything. That bothers the hell out of me. Not only am I normally a person who doesn't give a flying fuck what people think, it sucks to be that suspicious of people. But I am, and instead of going away, it gets worse. I feel like everything is a conspiracy against me, and I don't like it.

4.I am so lonely. All the time. I don't have friends. Well, in all honesty, I have a couple of "school friends", and one friend outside of school, but we never hang out. This is hard for me. I've never been a person to have many friends, but I have always had that one best friend, who was just like me, thought like me, and we did a lot together. Since I've moved here, I haven't had that. Obviously I have Travis, and believe me, I couldn't live without him, but it's not the same as that comraderie you have with a friend. I miss that, need that. I really feel(read: hope) that I do have friends here online, but it's not the same. I can only reach so far out to them when I'm in need. The lonliness is starting to wear me down. I'm also a big hypocrite here because when I start to make a friend, I back away. I am by nature hermit-like. I don't like to go out much, I don't want a social life. So then I shouldn't want friends right? I am a walking paradox.


I think I'm done whining now. It's not even everything that's bothering me, but I feel it is long enough without me adding to it. I don't doubt that no one has even made it this far. If you have, I'm sorry I wasn't funny or witty today. This was just my pathetic cry into cyberspace.

I'm freaking famous!

Yes, famous people! At least in my own mind.

I've been added to at least three blogrolls. That I'm aware of. Cheese is flattered. Very flattered.

Now I want to know what fucking weirdos find me funny or interesting. I'm just kidding, I need your love and attention! I'm needy like that.

I've noticed lately that I'm getting increasingly paranoid. It must be because of those wicked little girls(they are also known as adults) that I go to school with. Yeah, that must be it

This is it people, Cheese is hitting the big leagues. I'm off to hollywood. Maybe I need to practice my California "howdy"?



I really need to go to bed, this page is blurring. Or I could put on my glasses. Yes? No?

Hello, My Name is "Where's the baby?"

When people said that after you had your baby you weren't important anymore, they weren't kidding. At all.

No matter where I go, I am greeted with, not "hi, how are you?", but with "Where's the baby?"

Seriously, that's all the acknowledgement I get? I grew a human, got split wide open to retrieve him, and I don't even get a "hi"? What.the.fuck.

Nobody even calls for me anymore. "How's the baby?" "When are you bringing the baby over to see us?"

I don't ask for much you know, just that people recognize that

1.I'm here, and I do have feelings you asshat

2.You wouldn't even have this fucking kid if it wasn't for me

3.I am in the middle of a horrific semester of nursing school, so a little compassion goes a long way

4.I'm needing less and less of a reason to release my inner psycho bitch lately, so watch out motherfuckers.

I'm just going to ignore people when they fucking ask any of the above questions and refrain from decking someone.

(Please help bail me out of jail when I finally lose it)

Blog,

It has been 13 days since my last confession. Please forgive me, I've been terribly busy. If it is any consolation, I have excelled in school and feel very proud of all my hard work. I know, a 100% on my tests is no excuse to neglect you, but you have to admit, that is kinda neat.

I fear, with the start of new classes, that I may be once again forced to turn away from you, but it is for an important reason, and know that I will once again return.

Dear Fucking Moron,

I'd hate to see the day you were fucking wrong. You won't be so cocky about all the stupid and fucking irresponsible things you do then. I hope people have it in them to actually feel sorry for you then. I don't know if I will.


Love,
Cheese

Remember the chapstick incident?

So, I got home from school today and decided to take a nap. I told Travass to wake me up at 6 or 7.

The Cheese is sleeping very peacefully, when Travass wakes her up. He says "it's 7:20." I immediately leap out of bed and cry "I'm late again?!?!" Travass looks at me, very puzzled for a few seconds, then says "7:20 at night baby."

Oops.

Did I mention that I have been late to school the last two days, so I'm a little on edge about getting up on time.

I'm reeeeeeaaaally losing it.

Idiots, fucking idiots....

I'm surrounded by them.

I hate the idiots of organized religion who feel the need to spew their propoganda into the face of anyone who disagrees with them.

That is all I can say without giving you a 5 page rant.

This is war

So I'm in the bathroom, peeing, and Travass comes in there and asks me something. It goes without saying that I had a smartass reply. This is what I got in response:



I told him there would be payback, at any given time. Hey, shaving cream burns like a bitch!

Sweet sweet revenge:





Maddox thought it was cool too. Or maybe he just wanted to eat it?



And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a prank war in our house.

This will be ugly.

Nervous breakdown #2 is looming on the horizon

I'm at the end of my rope. For reals. And I'm not the only one. A couple of girls left school in tears today.

I know that I'm smart. I know that people graduate from here all the time.

It still doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm having information thrown at me left and right, and all I feel like saying is "Dude, wait, what?"

I have 5 FUCKING TESTS next week, and there still may be more.

I can't do it. I just can't do it.

The nursing process, head-to-toe assessments, inhibitors, calculating the IV flow rate, pre-op, inhibitors, amphetamines, bioavailability, agonists, antagonists, and where to shave for surgery.

That's just a taste of the shit I "learned" today. Multiply that by about infinity.

Icing on the cake? A few of us got sent out of class and docked an hour because we were QUIETLY helping eachother with math, but the other screaming bitches didn't even get in trouble. That's fucking fair.

Today I am seriously contemplating a job at McDonald's. Just the thought of going back to school next week makes me want to curl in a ball and whimper.

Day 2-Nervous Breakdown #1

I have had a hellish day. I don't even know where to begin.

The day started out normal enough, if not a bit boring.

The days wears on and the bitchy get bitchier and the obnoxious more obnoxious.

We elected class officials today. Only one position was of any interest to me and that was "historian", which in our school is just a glorified picture-taker and bulletin board maker. I don't have time for extracurriclur activities, so I didn't even nominate myself. Some 40-some-odd-year old lady got it. She likes to scrapbook. So, my wheels start turning and I'm thinking of being helpful. I find her after school and ask her what kind of camera she has. Some kind of HP digital thing. So, being the nice person I am, I sweetly offer to bring my camera to take pictures, thinking that I would be able to get better pictures for her(even if she was wielding the camera). She gives me a snotty, condescending reply about how she has a nice camera and goes on about doing the pictures in sepia. Yeah, I have that on my camera too. That's the last time I try to be nice. I guess she thought I was playing the "I'm better than you" game, but I wasn't at all. It seems silly, yes, but you had to have been there.

Ok, back up a bit.

My last class in the afternoon is Pharmacology. This is probably the single most difficult class in the entire program. You'd be hard put to find someone who disagrees.(I might, but I can't be sure yet) Anywho, since starting school way back when, we've heard nothing but bad things about this class and how hard it is. We've all been tweaking out about it ever since. The double whammy in this is that we are taking it in the summer, which means that this holy terror of a class is being shoved up our ass in 7 weeks. 20 of us had minor anxiety attacks in class this afternoon worrying about this class. We just started freaking out about how much work, studying and so on, and most of all, worrying that we'll fail. This is the class that many fail. We're apsolutely terrified.

So this happened, then the scrapbooking she-bitch happened. Add to that stressing all day about the mutliple tests we are already looking at in the next week, homework, and all the self-absorbed, loud-mouthed, sadistic, cruel classmates, and you have a Cheese with a headache and a foul mood.

The school day finally is over. Phew. Not.

I'm finally out of there, but first I have to go to Barnes & Nobles to get a book for school that the school bookstore didn't carry. This part of the trip wasn't unbearable, but it was 100 fucking degrees out. I had to drive all the way across freaking Shreveport to get there. It was most uncomfortable and sweaty. I get to the bookstore, locate and purchase the book without difficulty, and leave. I can finally go get my baby boy! I drive all the way across Shreveport and alllllll the way to Bossier, heading towards Haughton, all on on I-20. I get practically a hop, skip, and a fart from my exit, and BAM! Total and complete traffic standstill. In 100 degree weather. Fuck.that.shit.

At this point I'm trying to frantically call Travis, my mom, anyone because I'm crying, frustrated and have to keep myself from leaping out of my car and into oncoming traffic on the other side of the 20. This day cannot get any worse, right? You'd be wrong.

I finally get my aunt on the phone and she allows me vent, scream, cry, and bitch, all the while giving me encouragement. I lurve that woman. I got it all out and felt marginally better. That's a lot with how my day went today. When I first got her on the phone, I had turned around to go back the other way on the interstate(using that little strip of dirt that cops use to sit and wait for its prey) because I was not going to sit and fry for 3 hours waiting on traffic. I don't even know if there was an accident or anything, just that it was a complete jam. Suddenly I realize that I'm still on I-20 and back in Shreveport. In all my crying and whining, I failed to exit off the interstate. I have another little temper tantrum over this. You can't blame me, it's 100 degrees, I'm thoroughly sick of driving, and I'm already upset. I turn around and head back. I get off the interstate and use another one of the routes to get to daycare. I manage to get behind every slow old fuck that's been born since 1900. I have that kind of luck. Suddenly, yet again, I find that I have passed my turnoff. YET AGAIN, I turn around and get back on track. Finally, I arrive.

I walk to her door, thinking only about how just one smile from my love can make this day better. One thing did go right today. I got smiles, hugs, and big slobbery kisses. This, my friends, is Cheese heaven. My son melts my heart.

That was my day today. I have homework to do and tests to study for, but in the end, Maddox heals all. I'm still tired and crabby, but just looking at him eases most of my tension. He makes me realize that even though having a baby in the middle of college may not be ideal, he was most definitely worth it. Best decision I ever made.

Gonna go me a little more lovin' before I start my school work.

Soothed by slobber and gummy,two-toothed smiles,
Cheese

It has begun

Today was the first day of school. I cried all the way to daycare when I was dropping Mini-Cheese off. I also cried all the way to school. He didn't seem too fazed.

School was a fucking circus. I thought the previous class I had been in was bad. This one takes the cake. My class was full of rude, loudmouthed jackasses, and a few bullies. This one has double.

I have a few friends in there with me though, a small consolation.

The best part? A girl I was in class with last time is in my fucking class again. We had words last fall and it ended in me sneaking off to cry. What kind of bitch fucks with a nice pregnant girl. That bitch does. And she's back.

I also already have homework and a test this week.

I'm going to go nap now and pretend that I don't have to do all this shit again tomorrow.

I have totally lost it

Yesterday I was cleaning up around the house. No big deal. All of a sudden, I feel something slide down my leg under my sweatpants. I immediately start screamning, jumping around, and proceed to tear off my pants. You're thinking there was some massive bug in my pants right? Wrong.

I had forgotten that I had put my chapstick in the waistband of my sweatpants so that I wouldn't lost track of it. The damn thing just slid down my pants.

Yep, I've reached a new kind of special.