Day 14

Day 14
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

School starts tomorrow. Boo. I'm already up way later than I should be and I don't wanna go! Too bad I have to. At least I get to see who failed last semester. That sounds mean, but you don't my psycho classmates.

We'll see how it goes. I hope it's better than what I feel like it will be.

Day 11-13

One more day of freedom and it's back to school. I don't know whether to cry or laugh. I'm not ready to leave my baby again, but at the same time I'm ready for some adult(though I use this term loosely in regards to my classmates) interaction. I'm dreading going back to having no time for anything. It makes me feel so guilty not being able to spend the time I want with my son. That's the worst part, then add to that not having time to practice photography or do much else, and you get a miserable Cheese. I'm just hoping that since I'll actually be in clincals doing more than reading a book and listening to a boring teacher, I'll be more interested and not feel so bored with it all. I need some kind of interest in nursing sparked again. I don't want to spend the rest of my semesters in school feeling like I'm wasting my time. I just so look forward to taking photography classes next year, it's going to be so wonderful. My aunt might take some with me, so I'll have a buddy, but even if she doesn't, I'm really hoping to make a friend or two. I need friends so badly. I'm thoroughly sick of being so lonely.

Thursday night Travis, Maddox, and I went and drove around town for a little bit so I could take some pictures. I had a blast and felt so good to go out and photograph something that wasn't in my own yard. Good inspiration. Haven't done much else this weekend. Enjoying my son, watching movies with Travis, and playing on the internetz. Tonight(or last night rather), Maddox and I drove around with Jamie for a little while, though we didn't stay out long. Now I'm about to go to bed, enjoy sleeping in for the last time in a while(I know I'll have weekends, but when you get used to getting up early every day, it's hard to sleep in).

I just hope my teachers don't bust a nut about my hair color. I don't think it's too out there.

Day 10

Day 10
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

I finally registered for school today. As a reward for my massive procrastination, I got to sit there for about 6 hours. It's ridiculous how unorganized the school is. The worst part is that they've been doing this multiple times a year for years. You'd think they'd have come up with a fucking system by now. Oh hell no, they thrive on mass chaos. I'm so so not ready to go back on Monday. I'm sure the semester itself will go by fast, but the days themselves will drag. This semester ending also means that my son will be turning one, so getting to end of this semester will be bittersweet. It's unbelievable how fast it all goes. Depressing. At least I'll be on break so he can have a little party and I can do his cake smash pictures. I am so excited to do those. Just gotta get some white seamless first. I'm debating a new flash or lens too. Decisions, decisions.

Day 9

Day 9
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

So after feeling so blah and depressed last night, I decided to change things up and dye my hair. It's supposed to be brown with a purple/reddish hue. I think it looks good. Not exactly what I had been looking for, but it was nice because it was something different. I feel better today. Still blah, but at least not depressed.

I have to go register for school in about 5 hours. I don't wanna. I really don't. Aside from the fact that I'm enjoying being home with my son, my heart is just so not in nursing. I keep saying that, but it doesn't matter. I know I'll get my groove back once school starts, and also, if I just finish nursing school, I can pursue photography to my heart's content. I may have said this already, but it's comforting. That way, if starting a photography business one day didn't work out, I wouldn't be fucked. I think more than anything right now I just don't feel like being back in school already and I'm worried about who is still in our class. It's awful, but I'm really hoping we lost a few of the bad apples. I know we've already lost some of the nicest people in our class.

Meh.

Day 8

Day 8
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

This has been a bad day for me. Depression decided to knock me flat on my ass. I'm feeling so discouraged, sad, lonely, and uninspired. Enough for me to take my meds again. Not a happy Cheese at all. I'm hoping this is just a bad day and that's all. I really hate feeling like this. The worst part is that I felt so great and happy last night. I cared. Now I just feel like it's all pointless.

I seriously hope that it's just today.

And I dyed my hair. I had to do something to perk myself up.

Day 7

Day 7
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

I am so tired today. So so tired. Mr. Maddox decided that he did not want to go to bed until after 2am last night. He's NEVER been up that late before. Then, Travass and I stayed up late watching TV, then I stayed up even later editing. These freaking wedding pictures are neverending. I should be proud that I got so many usable pictures, but shit, it's a lot to edit! So I didn't get to bed until like 7 probably. The kicker is that I had to babysit today. If I didn't have to babysit I would have been able to sleep in because Maddox would sleep in since he was up so late. Instead, I got to drag my ass out of bed totally unwillingly and go babysit. At least the kids were good and it was only for a couple of hours. I just wanted to sleep so badly!

I've been in a funk lately and I really think it's time I pull myself out of it. I need to get all this crap out of my head and get away. It's obviously not good for me and I don't know why I continue to torture myself. It's so ridiculous. Silly.

Time to put my best foot forward.

Day 6

Day 6
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

Today has been such a long day. I don't know what it is. It's just dragging and dragging. It seems awfully quiet in general. No phone calls, no one on the interwebz. I'm starting to really feel the stir crazy feeling again. I'm trying to enjoy my break though, I'll be back in school soon and bitching that I don't have any time to do anything.

Cheese needz to get sum frenz and a lyfe. Fo sho.

Baby Einstein = Baby Crack?

I've never bought one of those Baby Einstein movies for Maddox until last night(well, grandma bought it), and I just popped that sucker in the DVD player and that kid is staring at the TV and giggling like someone on an acid trip. Where the hell was I when someone suggested these movies?? Baby crack. Serious baby crack. Get some.

(This ad brought to you by the makers of BabyCrackRUS)

Sucked In

You when you're up at ungodly hours and the only thing that's on is those godawful infomercials? Yeah, right here, I'm watching. What is it about those fucking things? The acting is worse than the acting in a bad porn(let's not talk about that), you know damn well the things they're selling probably aren't worth a damn, and yet, you find yourself thinking "Hey, that's pretty nifty, I think I need one of those!" I think my insomnia coupled with a lottery win would result in Cheese having a lot of knife sets and crappy vacuums. And wait, if you call now, we'll somehow con you into spending another 50 bucks and make it sound like deal!

(Buy the Rug Doctor now and you'll never be too embarassed to have company over again!)

Seriously, I must be an idiot. I watch these demonstrations and it makes the product look great and I know damn well that it's probably not worth damn, yet I want it. Subliminal messages or something.....

(The Rug Doctor REALLY works!)

Day 5

Day 5
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

If ever a day went fast, this one did. I barely got today's picture done before midnight(can you tell by the crappy quality??). I spent all evening shopping with my MIL and running around town. It was a blast, but I ache head to toe from it. We spent hours at Walmart. And not one Walmart, but two. Yes, I am indeed a Walmart whore. Guilty. My son is going to be so spoiled(did I say going to be? He already is). We spent a ton of money and I'd say almost all of it was for him. I can't complain too much, I enjoy getting things for him. I love to see his face light up. I got a few of the wedding pictures printed to see how they would look on paper, and I have to say they look pretty damn good. I've had my camera for what? 6 or 7 months? I have worked my ass off practicing and it really feels good to have it pay off. It's wonderful to finally feel like I may have a talent for something. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Ansel Adams, but I think in the short amount of time I've been working at this, I'm doing pretty good. It's not often I pat myself on the back. Next week I have to shoot the rummage sale fundraiser for our class at school. I wonder if anyone will show up. Honestly, I don't even care that much, it's just another opportunity for me to practice. I'm also hoping to have a session with my cousins next week. I would love to be able to do more, but I don't want to get in over my head with school starting. I have to keep reminding myself that if I can just finish nursing school, I can pursue photography all I want, but no matter what, I'll have a secure job. It's just so hard to wait. I know the time will fly, but my heart just isn't as in it as it was. It does make me feel better to know that I can pursue my passion, but I won't jeopordize my family's financial security over it.

What else? Oh yeah, I was massively backed up and my stomach was killing me, but I've solved that problem. Just what you wanted to hear, yes?

Day 4

Day 4
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

This day has gone by fast. It's already 8:30. I got my cheapo fisheye/macro lens today. I've barely played with it, but there'll be time. I'm feeling frumpy and grumpy. I feel overwhelmed trying to get the wedding pictures edited just right. I just hope she likes them. It's hard for me, I'm so overly critical of myself and anything I do, but we shall see. Back to editing.......

Day 3

Day 3
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

I've made it 3 days, woot! This is harder than it seems. I so didn't feel like taking my picture, but I did it. I'm also very very picky, so it takes a lot longer for me to be satisfied with my picture. This is me being frustrated, but it works. I guess.

I am finding myself increasingly weary of the people around me, and yet, still more lonely. I long for companions, but I suppose I'm looking in all the wrong places. It also seems I am becoming a bad judge of character, which scares me. I'm usually good at that. I have to give myself a little credit, it's a lot harder to size someone up through a computer screen. More and more I'm slinking back into isolation, but at least this time I'm bringing my camera with me. It's my only solace these days, except my son and fiance. Three things that bring me enormous joy--and frustration. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being 16. It seemed so easy to make friends then. People who thought the same way. Now it's like a needle in a haystack and when I think I have finally found someone, I come to find I have made a gross error. Ah well, try, try again.

I just want a friend.

Cheese 365

I started a project. The challenge is to take a self-portrait every day for a year. It's fun, I just hope I don't forget or get lazy about it. Time will tell.
Here's day one and two:

Wedding Peek

Storyboard
Originally uploaded by Echoes of Life

I have about 400 wedding pictures to edit from shooting Natalie and Gavin's wedding. I've edited some and made this storyboard(with Drew's big help, thanks Drew!). I have come to the conclusion that I hate making storyboards. I guess I'm just hardheaded. Anywho, here's the finished product. The border will have to be fixed after printing, so ignore that.

On a sidenote:I was going to make a photography blog, and I may later, but for now I'll just use this as my regular blog and my phtography blog. Enjoy!

The end is near....

Finally, the end of this hellacious semester is in sight. I have to take my med/surg final on Monday and my last Pharmacolgy test. The med/surg test should be easy. Meg/surg is broken down into smaller classes (i.e. Circulatory, Nursing Process, Fluid and Electrolytes, and Perioperative). They are taking questions for the final straight from previous tests. I aced most of those tests, and the ones I didn't, we reviewed, so I know where I went wrong. Pharmacology on the other hand, is going to be a bitch. The test is on 5 chapters(which is actually one chapter less than the last test) and is based on Antihypertensives/Diuretics and the like. I always panic, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Literally almost everyone faile the Circ test Friday. I'm talking even people who studied for hours and days failed. Which leads me to my story....

Story #1

We took our last test for Circulatory on Friday. That went normally enough. You know, you take the test, then you go outside and panic with your classmates about what the right answers were. After the test, we went back in and had a test review. That also went fine until we got to one of the math questions. Mayhem ensues. First, she made it kind of a trick question(I won't even try to explain it, you'll just have to trust Cheese on this one), which everyone felt was pretty shady considering how hard the test was. Then, she keeps telling us the answer is 12 units, when it was actually 0.12 units. Now let me explain something. When you feel a test question is wrong or unfair, there is nothing wrong with you bringing this to the teacher's attention. What you do not do is grab torch and pitch fork and join a lynch mob. Bad idea, bad bad bad idea. Needless to say, the whole class basically attacked the teacher and royally pissed her off. The worst part is that this is one of those teachers who can get REALLY bitchy and vindictive. In other words, this was the wrong teacher to fuck with. This means that 1)She will not even consider throwing out the question or giving a point for it and 2)She will find any other was possible to punish us. Know what she did? After she had told us that we would get our test grades that day, she changed her mind and said we wouldn't get them until Monday afternoon at the earliest. See? Vindictive bitch. This now leads me to story 2...

Story #2

Our next class was Fluid and Electrolytes, and we were also supposed to take our last test in there. I HATE, hate hate hate, this teacher. I'll give you a little backstory on that. First off, this teacher is a bitch. Now, I can appreciate a bitch, BUT, this lady is an unneccesary bitch and there is nothing I hate more. You cannot ask a question without her treating you like you just asked if the fucking sky was blue. I despise that kind of attitude. I also do not trust her. She acts like you can come talk to her and tell her your darkest secrets, but she's completely two-faced.

(backstory)
Not too long ago, a girl reported some people for cheating. That should have been kept in the strictest confidence right? (And in our school, that could very well jeopardize her safety if they found out she told) So, she tells this teacher, thinking she could trust her. You can see it coming right? Yep, she then went and told those students who told on her. Luckily, there were no retaliations or anything, but it could've gone much differently.

The thing that gets me about the teacher, and the reason I loathe is much bigger. A friend of mine had her in clinicals in 1st level. This friend was in clinicals with one of the girls in our class that is known for being a liar, a bitch, a bully, and even has been known to brag about her glock(yeah, a gun). In class my friend managed to get on the bad side of this bully, so you imagine how scary it might feel to find that you are in clinicals with them. Not only in clinicals with her, but actually partnered up with her. Bad news, man. Apparently, after my friend would leave a patient's room, the bully would go behind her and take pictures with her phone(it's not clear to me whether or not she would mess with things and then take pictures, or was just taking pictures etc) and was even taking pictures of my friend while she was working. The bully would then go and show these pictures to the teacher, making up all kinds of nonsense about how she left dirty diapers everywhere, wasn't taking care of the patients, and so on and so on. That's bad enough, right? This is also a MAJOR MAJOR HIPAA violation. Well, the teacher then came to my friend to tell her what the bully had been doing. She then goes on to tell my friend that if she goes to administration or reports any of this, that she would be forced to report my friend for all the things the bully said she did and that she would probably fail clinicals. In essence, she basically threatened my friend and scared her from telling. You see, this teacher probably could have lost her job, especially for letting the bully keep doing what she was doing and never stepping in. So, you can see why I have zero respect for this lady and why I loathe her. I want nothing more than to be able to speak my mind to her, but if I have her in clinicals, and I cross her, she can easily fail me for whatever reason she wants. I'm biding my time until I graduate, then I'll tell that bitch exactly what I think of her.

Ok, so, back to Friday. After the mess with our Circ teacher, we were about to take our next test in F&E. The teacher comes in and spends 30 minutes bitching the class out. Remember what I said about threats? She even went so far as to tell the class that they shouldn't get on the bad side of the teachers because if we have them in clinicals, they can fail us for whatever they want. I'm serious, she told the whole class that. Maybe you don't find any of this crazy, but I find it insane. You can imagine how bad our nerves were trying to take that damn test. No one could concentrate.

After all that happened, by the end of the day I was over it and had moved on. That day I was supposed to take pictures with my friends(which never happened, BTW), so I wore a strapless dress. Because of the dress code, I wore a cardigan all day in class. No complaints. After school, we stayed after to get our grades(minus Circ because she's a vindictive asshole). It's 500 fucking degrees outside, so I took off my sweater thinking that it would be ok because school was over, right? WRONG, wrong wrong wrong wrong!!!!!! A teacher comes out of her office(and this teacher is yet another one of those teachers that is an unneccesary bitch AND completely racist)and fucking SCREAMS at me "DON'T WEAR THAT DRESS AGAIN, YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING WITH BARE SHOULDERS,END OF STORY, GOT IT?!!" I calmly tell her that I had a sweater. "I DON'T CARE, YOU'RE NOT WEARING IT, DO NOT WEAR THAT DRESS AGAIN!!" I am
still calm and tell her that I did in fact wear my sweater all day and only now took it off. "WELL YOU AREN'T WEARING IT NOW, DON'T WEAR THAT DRESS AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?" I chose this time to just walk away and ignore her. Fortunately the director of our department was not there that day. I am going to go to her and report this, but now I know that I can do it calmly. If she had been there that day, I probably would have been incoherent, I was so pissed. I don't care about the dress code. If I have to adhere to it on campus, whether it's after hours or not, fine. However, there was apsolutely no reason for her to reprimand me the way she did. She acted like she had to yell at me daily for coming to school dressed like a street walker. That, my dear, is not the case. I'm in a t-shirt and jeans 99.9% of the time. I'm just not going to allow her to talk to to me like that without any kind of provocation.

Thank fucking Bob it was Friday, or might've had to hurt someone. All I have to do is show up Monday for a couple of tests and I am done for 3 blissful weeks.

You get a fucking cookie or two if you actually made it this far.

Now that's disturbing.....

Ok, one thing and then I am going to bed.

I thought I would check my blog traffic before hitting the hay and I stumbled upon something interesting.

Someone found my blog by searching "Masturbating dans le bus". This is french for "masturbating in the bus". I don't even want to know why.

French people are weird.

You'll regret this in the morning

It's....oh....1:18 in the morning(I guess you could call that morning, I'll let you argue amongst yourselves about that one) and I sit here, awake. Not just awake, but blogging. I am supposed to wake up for school somewhere between 5:30-6am. I don't think it needs to be said that it will be a rough morning. I just laid in bed for a good 30-45 minutes and could not fall asleep. I think I got close a few times, but obviously not close enough. I see it has been almost ten days since my last confession, so I'm not doing too badly.

Let's see.....school. School is school. I have one week and one day left. You can't even really count the one day because I just have two tests to take, so it's not like I have to sit and learn anything. Not too shabby, eh? I've done well and should finish will mostly, if not all, A's. I'm thoroughly sick of school and the break will not be even close to long enough. Every day is like a Jerry Springer rerun. Everything but the "Jerry, Jerry!!" part, though I imagine that some are thinking that. I got all the pictures printed for school finally. I got tired of people asking. I got great feedback, except two things:

1. I received a few comments like "wow, you have a really nice camera". While this is true, I take that to mean that you are assuming that my "nice camera" was the reason that these pictures came out the way they did. I can assure you that, while my "nice camera" helped, it was not the sole reason the pictures came out nicely. I'm well aware they didn't mean it that way and that they weren't being malicious, but it is important to understand that without any understanding of photography, the camera is just an unsharpened pencil, a dry paintbrush. Do not misunderstand my words for arrogance, I know I'm new to this, but compared to my class, I may as well be a professional. In other words, the only thing they want to know is: "What button do I press to take the picture?" There is so much more to it than that.
2. I knew, from the day that I got conned into taking over the whole Historian position, that somehow, someone would bitch that there weren't enough pictures of them. I knew. As I said, everyone was pretty happy with the pictures, and I had started to get comfortable, thinking I had avoided pissing anyone off. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I finally hear it: "Why aren't there any pictures of me in here?" But wait, it gets better! Not only is someone complaining, but it's the person I loathe most in class! Now, first of all, there were a couple of pictures of her in there(2 if you want to get picky), BUT it was totally unintentional. I promise. I tried very very hard to get everyone I could in the pictures just so that I didn't have to hear any bitching about anyone being left out. The only ones I left out were the ones that were adamant about not having their picture taken. So I first kindly point out that she is in fact in a few pictures. She then takes it upon herself to point out that she isn't. I'm not about to argue about it, so I tell her that I took the pictures, I printed them, so I think that I know who is in the pictures. She didn't say anything else to me about it, but I'm positive she mouthed off about it later.

Later that day the same girl got into it with a teacher. I couldn't even tell you what it was about, but it never ceases to amaze me how little respect these students have for their teachers. It's really a damn shame. I will say that it is obvious that this teacher doesn't like her, but it doesn't make this girl any less disrespectful. She's an asshat, plain and simple. She doesn't raise her hand, talks far too much, and spends the entire test review begging for extra points. The annoying part about her begging is that she spends class time answering the questions as though she knows the material like the back of her hand. You would think that if you knew the material that well you would not need the extra points. AN-NOY-ING.

I also was involved in my first major internet smackdown/manhunt. I'll spare you all the details. If you really want to read it, you can check it out here . Now, I love some drama as much as the next person, but if you want to start shit, at least own up to it. That's what got me fired up over the whole thing, the hiding. Shady, that is. I think all we learned from that is that we're assholes and our whole birthboard thinks so apparently. Riiiiight. Nana nana boo boo. I am rubber, you are glue and so on.

Well, now that I've spent a sufficient amount of energy blogging instead of sleeping, I will go to bed and try again. Wish me luck, I'm supposed get my smart on, and that is hard to do when you're lacking sleep.

Where does the time go?

Wow, sorry it's been a while folks, Cheese has been busy! Let's see....I don't have anything extraordinary to report......



All I know is school. I cannot wait for this semester to be over. I am not a mean person by nature, and I really don't want anyone to fail, but I won't be sorry to say goodbye to some of the morons in my class. The shitty part? All the nice people/people I actually like are the ones that are having to drop. Oh, and you have to love that the cheaters are staying too. It makes me ill to think that there are people who worked their asses off and still didn't pass while there are people who skated by because they cheated. It's nauseating. Think about it. These are the dishonest fucks who could be taking care of your mother one day. They're not even worthy of wiping someone's ass. I can hardly stand it.

I have had an anxiety problem for as long as I can remember, but it has started to escalate. I had two anxiety attacks in one of my classes Friday. It was not cool. My heart was racing, my chest got tight, my hands were shaking, and I had this overwhelming sense of impending doom. It's a horrible feeling. The semester break cannot come quickly enough.

I can't believe how fast my baby is growing! 6 months already! I keep feeling like sometime next week I'll be sending him off to college. It breaks my heart and makes me not want to have any more babies. I don't know if I can handle the sadness of seeing them grow up like this.

2 weeks and 1 day before I get a break from this hell. I can't wait to see who will be in 3rd level with us. Maybe it won't be so bad if we lose some of these asshats.

sdjwle2op37e0734##@sdfjlsfpoiplm r

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS, I HATE IT. I WANT TO PUT HOLES IN THE WALL, SMASH FACES IN, HURT THINGS. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

And Cricket saves me........

Fuck you, and your little dog too

It's been one of those days. One of those days where I want to grab a shotgun and take down as many people as possible before the police take me down OR just swan dive off the nearest cliff.

I don't know what it is about today. First of all, I woke up unhappy. That's always a bad sign. And since the day has progessed, nothing has gone the way I wanted it to, people are pissing me off left and right(on the computer and at home), just everything.

It helps me to list things sometimes.

1.I suck at photography. REALLY suck. It finally hit me today. I don't know how I've been fooling myself into thinking that I was actually ok at it, but I'm not. I am seriously contemplating selling my camera. I mean, I could get plenty of great pictures on Auto without any skill on that camera, but just having it will be a constant reminder of something else I've failed at(surprise surprise). So my thought is that just getting rid of the fucking thing will solve that problem. It still makes me sad though.

2.I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE having eczema. I hate it. I feel ugly and freakish all the time, like people are always staring, and most of the time, it's not even that obvious, I'm just paranoid. What is really bothering me about it is the fact that I will never be able to enjoy playing with my children like other moms. I tried today, I really did. Travis, his parents, Maddox, and I went to the park today(this is where the photography FAIL hit me) and I could hardly stand it. You see, ANY kind of sweating makes me itch. It's probably 80-90 degrees out, so you can imagine that I was sweating my ass off. I don't know what it is, but sweating makes my skin go nuts. I don't even know if you can imagine the kind of itching I'm talking about. Maybe bad like chicken pox, if you've had it. All I know is that it's the kind of itching where I want to lay on a bed of sandpaper and roll around. So, back to my point. How will I ever be able to enjoy taking my kids outside and playing with them? I can't, unless they find a cure. It makes me sad because I want to be able to do thingss outside with them, but I can't when it's hot like this. I can't because I don't just itch while I'm sweating, I itch long after, and the itching causes me to have more rashes, which causes more itching, which cause more rashes and makes the current rashes worse. It's a vicious cycle. One more thing about the eczema, it makes me feel ugly. My face is always getting red, blotchy, dry, and peely. I can hardly ever wear makeup because that makes it worse, so I even get punished for trying to cover it up. This problem has worked wonders for my self-esteem.

3.I said this yesterday, but I'm repeating it because it is really bothering me. I am getting more and more paranoid. Of everyone and everything, and I don't know where it's coming from. I wonder if people say bad things about me, that they don't like me, that I'm being ignored, that people are only nice to my face(or computer screen, in some cases), just everything. That bothers the hell out of me. Not only am I normally a person who doesn't give a flying fuck what people think, it sucks to be that suspicious of people. But I am, and instead of going away, it gets worse. I feel like everything is a conspiracy against me, and I don't like it.

4.I am so lonely. All the time. I don't have friends. Well, in all honesty, I have a couple of "school friends", and one friend outside of school, but we never hang out. This is hard for me. I've never been a person to have many friends, but I have always had that one best friend, who was just like me, thought like me, and we did a lot together. Since I've moved here, I haven't had that. Obviously I have Travis, and believe me, I couldn't live without him, but it's not the same as that comraderie you have with a friend. I miss that, need that. I really feel(read: hope) that I do have friends here online, but it's not the same. I can only reach so far out to them when I'm in need. The lonliness is starting to wear me down. I'm also a big hypocrite here because when I start to make a friend, I back away. I am by nature hermit-like. I don't like to go out much, I don't want a social life. So then I shouldn't want friends right? I am a walking paradox.


I think I'm done whining now. It's not even everything that's bothering me, but I feel it is long enough without me adding to it. I don't doubt that no one has even made it this far. If you have, I'm sorry I wasn't funny or witty today. This was just my pathetic cry into cyberspace.